inevitability

All these years of existence boiled down to the one event I feared most. I always prayed for this to never occur. This was my biggest fear. I don’t know how to feel anything else besides sadness. I want to fix things. I always do. People tell me I’m too optimistic. I always want to push people together instead of seeing them part ways – even if that may be for the best.

This whole issue began with the problem of trust and then lack of common ground/incompatibility. There have been smiles, lots of laughs, fights, hugs, yells, tears, and jokes. But nothing could cover up the hole that was always there. They wanted more. Maybe even deserved more. They were given more. But it still wasn’t enough. We weren’t enough. Never good enough. They were the world to me, and it was written for each of us to make separate, unparalleled worlds of our own. This is a test. I know it is. I don’t know whether I’ve passed, will pass or if I’m doomed to fail. Maybe I should have tried harder. It’s already too late.

My entire life I have been searching for one thing and one thing only: happiness. I haven’t found it yet, though I’ve experienced and drowned in many other emotions besides it. Now I’ve realized that happiness isn’t truly attainable – at least not in this world. With people, events and objects; they will always lead you to disappointment at some point.

The only happiness you can ever experience is remembering the Creator. The one Who fashioned you, clothed you, gave you, had mercy upon you, gave you more, and protected you. The only one I can count on is Him. I don’t know if I’ve pleased Him enough, or if I ever will. But He is what you think of Him, and I have hope. He’s all I have. All I ever did have. And life isn’t as perfect as I thought it was as a kid growing up. Also, the concept of change was never one I was fond of. But, change is natural. I just need to understand that. If understood, then letting go and moving on might be natural, and maybe even easy, as well.