unspoken

I long for your presence.
My feet guide me to you with ease,
anxious and wanting.
Your eyes are closed
Breathing in and out, lips moving
Whispering praises of God.
I sit and watch
I wish that you’d beckon me to sit beside you.
My arms yearn to wrap themselves around your worn shoulders.

Finally your voice rings
My breath halting,
“Why are you here?”
I answer stupidly, “I don’t know.”
I miss you. I want to be a kid again. I want us to talk with ease. I wish we would love one another openly.
You respond by reaching for the wooden prayer beads at your feet,
Your body turning away from me.

Heaviness floods what is left in my chest,
I fold my hands together awkwardly
Attempting to fill the spaces of my fingers myself.
I miss you. I want to be a kid again. I want us to talk with ease. I wish we would love one another openly.

I know you feel the same way.

routine

she lay in bed and sighed,
“i need to get better.”
a list of things that needed to be done dragged on in her mind.
she tried her best to focus,
but instead pushed everything out of her thoughts.
it was easier.
she shut her eyes tightly and silently urged her body up.
again and again
and again.
nothing.
tears welled up in her eyes and hit the sheets. she broke.
a mountain of sadness loomed over her,
breathing suddenly became too difficult.
pieces of herself shattered and fell one by one.
she swallowed hard, trying to keep herself together.
the feeling of life felt faint.

emptiness presented itself as a permanent home,
and welcomed her in.
too often.
though it was cold,
the familiarity comforted her.
she lay there.

hysterical

my heart cries,
smiles
and laughs
all at the same time
it doesn’t make sense.

my mind chooses not to block out the thoughts
instead it overworks itself,
overthinking being the culprit of it crashing
dizziness overtaking me
every time.

my eyes, searching
for a place far more homelier than here
where the stars shine brighter
and the moon glistens a color I don’t see anywhere else
where I breathe flowers,
and exhale
the words you spoke.

where the excitement in your voice
rings in my ears,
I cherish every moment.

instead I’m far,
trapped
my focus not quite
where I need it to be at times.

always running
towards the seemingly impossible,
quite unsure of what is to
come.

scared
hopeless
here, I feel lonely.

I know the cause
—I can’t help it.

these nails have ripped jagged,
aching lines into my heart.
these scars have long past formed
to be fixed.

and
I don’t know
what
I am to do

with my crying
smiling, laughing
hysterical heart
or with being so
far.

heart of a warrior

It doesn’t seem very real
until seeing someone
a person who I hold
dearly to my heart
a person who has
fought my fights and patched up
my four year old dresses

and when life gets its way
trying with all my might
to attack the stings
of built up emotion
she holds me tight
embracing me in her warmth
and softly caresses
the pinks of my cheeks
wiping the army of tears
that spill mercilessly
easily clearing the pathway to victory
and tells me over and over again
waan ku jecelahay” – “I love you”

seeing that beautiful,
powerful, amazing woman
who grew up with nothing
was gifted with everything
only to lose what
she has worked so hard for

the proof in her calloused,
rough hands
her face, lines carved into
the corners of her eyes and mouth
her once imprinted smile
admired by many
hated by some, faded
replaced with regret
replaced with sadness
replaced with everything
she didn’t deserve

but no matter how dark it may seem
the sleepless nights you go through
the nightmares itching themselves
into your slumber
the loneliness you feel
the nagging, self-destroying thoughts
eating at your mind
don’t

I know you have scars
that keep you reminiscing
about days when
loud voices would echo the walls
the stories you tell me where
you slept on cold, hard floors
bruises that remind you
of the evil in people
misplaced trust and misconstrued words
aimed at no one in particular
—in particular they were aimed at love
and destroyed your very being

nights where you would cry
until your eyes swelled shut
stress making itself home
on your shoulders
adding on to the burden you have to carry
making it heavier
than it already is

yet your love
has been unconditional
never unlearned
just sometimes misunderstood

I don’t know what gave you
the strength to keep going
you separated yourself
from things that didn’t fit
your course of living,
you opened your heart to now

you might’ve been broken
even shattered before
but now there’s only a small tear

sometimes it hurts you—yes
seemingly you feel that
your heart cannot bear the pain
it dares to fall out
and shatter once again
into a million pieces

but I’m here, we’re here
and that is the greatest blessing of all
no matter how many more heartbreaks
you’ve gone through
there are probably more
waiting at your door

you’ve taught me that
you come to realize
along the way
past the pain
that life is great
and love is not so bad


This is my first completed poem that I’ve written. It’s a little emotional, and is probably all over the place I’ll admit. Originally it was meant to be performed as a spoken word piece but something came up (I want to promise that it wasn’t stage fright – though I’d be lying).